Back in June 2005 I put my in-laws through the Battle Robot generator. Today I’m repeating the experiment, but this time the “plastic pals who are fun to battle with” come from the art world.
Competitors can battle on one of three factors: Force, Handling, and Weaponry
Neo-Conceptualism vs. The Stuckist Art Movement, battling on Force
Neo-Conceptualism is a Robot that is fitted with an Oil-Slick Nozzle and a Sink Plunger, has Blue Lights mounted underneath, Hops Around on Single Leg, and runs on 20 AA Batteries.
The Stuckist Art Movement is a Robot that Flips itself Over and Over to Move, is fitted with a Flip-Arm, has Wooden Panelling and Slogans Painted on the Side, runs on Methane, and is Semi-Organic.
The result? 6-6, a stalemate. The results, with graphics.
Clement Greenberg vs. “Anything Representational”
Clement Greenberg is a Robot that is Powered by Cold Fusion, is fitted with Side Spikes, a Single-Shot Rocket and Metal Tusks, and has a Nodule-Covered Truncated-Cone Base and an Onboard iPod.
“Anything Representational” is a Robot that walks on Eight Legs, occasionally Explodes, is fitted with an Egg Whisk, is covered with Corporate Logos, and runs on Nuclear Power.
Old Clem wins on all counts. Are we surprised?
Feminist Art Practices vs. The Male Dominated Art Hegemony, using weaponry
Feminist Art Practices is a Large Robot that is fitted with a Gatling Gun, has an Onboard iPod, a Red Light that Flashes from Side to Side and Brass Edging, Hops Around on Single Leg, and runs on a Car Battery.
The Male Dominated Art Hegemony is a Robot that is Powered by Angry Bees, emits Clouds of Smoke, is fitted with a Bulldozer Blade, and Hops Around on Single Leg.
3-3: another stalemate. Should’ve used the force, ladies.
Tracey Emin attacks Damien Hirst with everything she’s got
Tracey Emin is a Robot that is Powered by Cold Fusion, is fitted with Twin Airbags, is covered with Camouflage Netting, has Four Metal Wheels, and scatters Ball Bearings behind it.
Little does she know that Damien Hirst is a Robot that is fitted with a Heat Ray, has Travelled Back from the Future, runs on Human Blood, jams Radio Transmissions, and is Completely Motionless.
Unfortunately for dear Tracey, she is no match for Mr. Hirst. The numbers? A close 5-7 on force, 4-7 on handling, and a shocking 0-5 on weaponry. Evidently Emin’s twin airbags are no defense against Hirst’s heat ray.
Don’t Forget Jeff Wall!
It appears that Jeff Wall—despite his terrifying electroshock attack—is no match for His Evil Twin:
Jeff Wall is a Robot that is fitted with an Egg Whisk and a Tesla Coil, is covered with Corporate Logos, has a Hovercraft Cushion, and runs on a Single Watch Battery. Whereas His Evil Twin is a Robot that is fitted with a Death Ray, has Dodgy Steering, is covered with Camouflage Netting, runs on Alcohol, jams Radio Transmissions, and is Completely Motionless.
The result? Total obliteration: 4-7, 4-8, 3-8 in straight sets!
MoMA attacks Tate Modern with all of its force
MoMA is a Tiny Robot that plays Ice-Cream-Van Music, has Two Bicycle Wheels, and is Powered and Controlled by a Hamster. But Tate Modern is a Robot that also plays Ice-Cream-Van Music. It is is fitted with a Flip-Arm, has a Red Light that Flashes from Side to Side, runs on a Car Battery, and slithers like a Snake.
MoMA loses, despite better handling. This begs the question: What if their respective directors do battle as the giant battle monsters everyone thinks they are?
A Hamster Named Glen Lowry is really a Giant Ant that was Found beneath the Ice at the South Pole, projects a Purple Forcefield, and is Radioactive.
A Snake Named Sir Nicholas Serota is a Giant Lizard that breathes Ice Vapour, Expands when Attacked, has X-Ray Vision, Escaped from a Secret Government Research Base, is in League with Dark Forces, and lives Underwater.
Lowry uses his camembert- and ice cream-fuelled hamster agility & intelligence to outmaneouver and outwit Serota’s vastly superior strength. Lowry wins!
I could continue, but I think that’s enough fun for one blog post. A parting shot, though: I defeat Pablo on all three counts, even if we’re both outclassed by almost everyone else on this page.